And everytime a lightning flashes,it all turns magically silver - the rain,the dimly lit streets,the rims of the umbrella,the raindrops dripping from its edges and those in my cupped hand - all colored silver..like the centaur blood.

And the very next moment things revert back to the colors reflecting the dimly lit street.

A distant vehicle colors it all again - golden orange.Golden orange colored everything for an instant.Much like relationships,i would say [maybe wrongly]..a quick flash of colors and then mostly ordinariness.

I live and relive my past in my mind..somewhere i feel like longing for those million things which went lacking..their presence which perhaps would never have made me feel their lack..which perhaps would never have made me long for their presence..

To much of my posts these days,i fail to give a title....like i've failed to give a name to this space thinking it would confine its essence..like i never could give a name to those few relationships which went dead much before they could grow deep..and to those hundred emotions that lie hidden somewhere within to surface every now and then..Maybe i've fancy for all unnamed things..or i don't name things fearing it would cease to mean its meaning sometime....or going the shakespearean way maybe there's nothing much in a name and this post is just much ado about nothing.. Whatever..

Despite all the sadistic grimness in solitude and endless cravings,there are always things which can bring back a smile....like the rains and the silver colored everything when the lightning flashes..the cupped raindrops and a grand delusion that it would turn into a pearl someday..

There are always a few moments which i will savour a lifetime..
There are always a few things which gets me singing again..

I hadn't realized you were long back dead till recently..till i saw how hollow your eyes look during those nights when you can't sleep and when i lie awake.I wonder why you were given such a beautiful face..if all that had to remain was this ghastly look on it..a face dead to itself..a face with such dead eyes that strive to see life only through mine..

I was too happy once,you see,to take notice..so too happy that i laughed whole days as i played and dreamily smiled whole nights as i slept..holding tight your arm with mine..feeling the warmth of your existence besides..of your life which i had then not known to exist only in mine..

I wasn't aware of what killed you..i didn't know of the many things that were lacking-those which supposedly make one unhappier..You never had given me a clue about it..Why!You had even let me spread joy in this bloody place..in this very place where cold blood springs and flourishes-thick and dirty red..here was where when i had once merrily leaped and smiled till it had made others smile too..

Yes! I was a kid once..always wholly happy and angelic..happy,without having to bother neither about the reasons nor the consequences of happiness..happy enough that i lived without any longings..

And then there had this transition to happen..Growing up,i'm told it was..and as taught.. growing up to be mature enough to reason out what pleasures i can allow for myself and what not..whom to hold close and whom not..of the rights and the wrongs..of bonuses and vengeances;fairy godmother and her tales vanished..along went all the angels-winged,white and clean..;i saw you'd started to bleed..

Its this,i know,the reason behind all my times of solitude..behind the sickness i feel when i see that i have not a thing to share with those who incessantly tell me their stories -long and dry..I know what made me forget my song and bury my voice..I know what left me mute and what left not a single vent..

My longings seem ceaseless..and I choke whenever i try to get it out of me..a lump gets struck and i suffocate..They tell me that i'm to blame no one for my unheard stories..what i say has gone unheard,they say its been left untold..Scared i'm of the litter it would cause..the litter that's orphaned the moment it's delivered..that moment when i cease to be its owner,it'll die,i know..
A "fabulous destiny" it has got,i should say..that it has been allowed to live and to grow within..nurturing it with shreds of pain..pain i feel when it burns my insides..when it makes a ghostly appearance and a futile attempt to spurt out..But,i've left no vent remain..it's hidden safe-zipped and sealed..

I know what killed you will kill me too,Ma..sooner or later.Yet,I pose to live.Looks are deceptive,they say..but,they all like it when a smile deceives them..a smile spread across lips - protruding and red..across the skin - soft and warm and that which leaves a dimple in my cheek.. I know i'll now let my hope die..a hope which longed for somebody to provide a vent.. I'll watch it die for i see there can never be one to own my body and its scars alike...impartial unlike the fire and as reasonable unlike it..

I know i'll never tell them my story and your's.
Sailors that they all are -'..You are an island,my dear lady!' they would say before they leave..It's by choice one sets foot on an island and taking it back is a choice again-a wiser choice perhaps..They have let me remain one..I smile and wave back..

Roy says in her book that the Love Laws lay down who should be Loved.And How.And how much..This place isn't for you and me,Ma..I know i'll now learn the lesson which you failed to..i know now it's time i learned to shrug..